Monday, April 22, 2013
I have fallen out of love... So why is my heart still breaking?
I have given so much... So why have I not been filled back up?
I know what I want... So why is it hard for me to let go of what I don't?
The future is bright... So why is the present so dark?
Tears are falling down my face... So why doesn't that make letting go easier?
Is passion too much to ask for?
Is it possible to dream too big?
Am I reaching for an unattainable fairytale?
I have been run dry. I have no idea who I am anymore. My heart is homeless.
What's right? Will I ever find joy?
I am reaching for the stars and only making it to the clouds, where I get lost and lose focus of what's important. My mind feels empty. My heart feels sore.
I want to be the person that I really am. I want my life to be everything I dreamed it would be.
I try too hard. I let myself down. I take what I can get. I get nonsense. I am forever searching. I am never content. Always onto the next thing.
My fears have become bigger and bigger since I've left behind the person I was. My monsters have gotten scarier, while my heroes have gotten smaller. I don't know what I like or don't like. I have no opinions. I've lost sight of what's important. What IS important?
Meanwhile, time keeps ticking away. Time has no respect for self-discovery (or self-loss). Time just goes on, and each day it brings me closer and closer to my fate.
Where do I go from here? How do I go about making a plan? I need to relentlessly press on like time. But what makes me tick like a clock?
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
There is Nothing Stopping You!
"So don't be afraid, little flock. For it gives your father great happiness to give you the Kingdom." -Luke 12:32
I've been doing a lot of reading and thinking lately... Reading a lot of inspirational/Jesus centered blogs, and thinking a lot about my future. You know, sometimes we just think we have it all figured out (myself included). We think, "Well, this is what everybody else does, so I might as well do it, too", without even stopping to wonder if maybe we were made for something more. We call our lives 'good enough' and hardly ever change. We've even become afraid of change. I mean, you must know what I'm talking about. Graduate high school. Start college. Pick career. Graduate college. Find job that keeps you comfortable and safe. Find man/woman that makes your heart stop (or sometimes the standard isn't even that high. All too often, people settle when it comes to marriage). Marry said person. Have babies. Survive the boring-ness of life. Retire.
We want safety and comfort. We want to be normal. We want to fit in. We do what everybody else does. Although, I suppose it's possible that some people don't even really think about all that... They just do life the way everyone else does it because they haven't stopped to think that it doesn't have to be that way. You have no idea how sad that makes me! There is SO much to get out of life! God has given it to us as a gift. It just kills me to think about how many people out there are wasting the time they've been given on the mundane.
And you know, we are incredibly blessed as a nation. We HAVE the resources to live life to the fullest. We have the money, we have the opportunity (whether you think you do or not. With God, all things are possible), we have the health, we have the freedom. We are wasting these precious resources!
There are people out there that do not have them so easily available. There are plenty of things they would love to be able to do and see and experience. They're stuck. In Malawi with my team of preteens (10-13 yrs.), we met a man named Miscious. He definitely loved living life.. And you know what? He lives in Africa. The 'normal' for him is not being able to acheive our 'normal'. One day, as the whole lot of us was walking down a dirt road, one of my team members asked Miscious when he was going to come visit us in America. With a distant look in his eye, Miscious responded, "That is my dream."
People DREAM (!!) of being able to just come to the country we live our "boring" lives in! Do you realize how crazy that is? Even if you never set foot outside of America, please, please at least come to grips with how fortunate you are to live here. And you can definitely live life to the fullest without leaving the country. You are so blessed. Don't you see?
Another Malawi example- I met a man named Yohanni (sp?) who talked with me for a while as we were walking down [another] dirt road. He loves to sing. It's his absolute passion. His dream is to become a big time, famous singer. And you know what? He's doing everything he can to go after that dream. Whenever there was an opportunity, he sang. You could just feel the passion in his voice. He's not giving up on living life to the fullest. He's going after his dream, regardless of his circumstances.
Here in America, we have dreams too. Call it a bucket list, if you will. We have a list (written down or not) of all the things we'd like to do before we die. I wonder how many people actually accomplish even one of these goals before they "kick the bucket?" Seriously. Think of something that's always been a dream of yours. Something that made you say, "If I get nothing else out of life, I am GOING to (_______)." Now think for a second about what you've done to make that happen. Believe it or not, anything can happen. If you've got Jesus, you've got it all. Did you know that God intends for us to have full lives? He finds joy in blessing us.
"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." - John 10:10
All this to say:
1) If you haven't found Jesus, FIND HIM. You are missing out on His love, provision, guidance, friendship, and abundance.
2)Continually search for God's plan for your life. If He's given you a passion for something, however crazy it may be, that's a pretty good indicator as to what God wants to do through you. He's given you the gifts/talents that you have. Discover what they are. Use them to love God and love people. "For with God nothing will be impossible.” -Luke 1:37. I'll have you know, this is said quite a few times in the Bible. Believe it.
3) If you have done #1, there is absolutely no reason you can't accomplish your goals and dreams. God knows the desires of your heart. He's the one who put them there. If you dilligently seek Him, he will take care of you and bless you over and over again. He would not give you useless desires. You have them for a reason. "Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart." -Psalm 37:4. You take care of the Kingdom's work (delight yourself in the Lord), and He will pour out His blessings (give you the desires of your heart). God LOVES blessing His children. Trust me on this one.
4) GO LIVE YOUR LIFE. Don't let your circumstances stop you! Don't let your selfishness stop you! Have faith! Don't let anybody talk you out of God's plan. Sometimes even your family can't see what you and your Savior see. Don't let that stop you. "Even if my father and mother abandon me, the LORD will hold me close." -Psalm 27:10. He's always there for you. He is all the support you need. Are you getting this?
"We can make our own plans, but the LORD gives the right answer." -Prov. 16:1
---(These are the plans that we make apart from Him.)
"Commit your actions to the LORD, and your plans will succeed." -Psalm 16:3
---(If your actions are committed to the LORD, you most likely have the right plan, anyway. Or you're at least headed in the right direction.)
Just to be is a blessing. Just to live is holy. -Abraham Joshua Heschel
---(Embrace it!!)
Life is like a coin. You can spend it any way you wish, but you only spend it once. -Lillian Dickson
---(Make the most of it!!)
"All your dreams can come true if you have the courage to pursue them." -Walt Disney.
---(It all started with a mouse!)
Be where you are; otherwise you will miss your life. -Buddha
---(There is adventure everywhere you are. Find it.)
I've been doing a lot of reading and thinking lately... Reading a lot of inspirational/Jesus centered blogs, and thinking a lot about my future. You know, sometimes we just think we have it all figured out (myself included). We think, "Well, this is what everybody else does, so I might as well do it, too", without even stopping to wonder if maybe we were made for something more. We call our lives 'good enough' and hardly ever change. We've even become afraid of change. I mean, you must know what I'm talking about. Graduate high school. Start college. Pick career. Graduate college. Find job that keeps you comfortable and safe. Find man/woman that makes your heart stop (or sometimes the standard isn't even that high. All too often, people settle when it comes to marriage). Marry said person. Have babies. Survive the boring-ness of life. Retire.
We want safety and comfort. We want to be normal. We want to fit in. We do what everybody else does. Although, I suppose it's possible that some people don't even really think about all that... They just do life the way everyone else does it because they haven't stopped to think that it doesn't have to be that way. You have no idea how sad that makes me! There is SO much to get out of life! God has given it to us as a gift. It just kills me to think about how many people out there are wasting the time they've been given on the mundane.
And you know, we are incredibly blessed as a nation. We HAVE the resources to live life to the fullest. We have the money, we have the opportunity (whether you think you do or not. With God, all things are possible), we have the health, we have the freedom. We are wasting these precious resources!
There are people out there that do not have them so easily available. There are plenty of things they would love to be able to do and see and experience. They're stuck. In Malawi with my team of preteens (10-13 yrs.), we met a man named Miscious. He definitely loved living life.. And you know what? He lives in Africa. The 'normal' for him is not being able to acheive our 'normal'. One day, as the whole lot of us was walking down a dirt road, one of my team members asked Miscious when he was going to come visit us in America. With a distant look in his eye, Miscious responded, "That is my dream."
People DREAM (!!) of being able to just come to the country we live our "boring" lives in! Do you realize how crazy that is? Even if you never set foot outside of America, please, please at least come to grips with how fortunate you are to live here. And you can definitely live life to the fullest without leaving the country. You are so blessed. Don't you see?
Another Malawi example- I met a man named Yohanni (sp?) who talked with me for a while as we were walking down [another] dirt road. He loves to sing. It's his absolute passion. His dream is to become a big time, famous singer. And you know what? He's doing everything he can to go after that dream. Whenever there was an opportunity, he sang. You could just feel the passion in his voice. He's not giving up on living life to the fullest. He's going after his dream, regardless of his circumstances.
Here in America, we have dreams too. Call it a bucket list, if you will. We have a list (written down or not) of all the things we'd like to do before we die. I wonder how many people actually accomplish even one of these goals before they "kick the bucket?" Seriously. Think of something that's always been a dream of yours. Something that made you say, "If I get nothing else out of life, I am GOING to (_______)." Now think for a second about what you've done to make that happen. Believe it or not, anything can happen. If you've got Jesus, you've got it all. Did you know that God intends for us to have full lives? He finds joy in blessing us.
"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." - John 10:10
All this to say:
1) If you haven't found Jesus, FIND HIM. You are missing out on His love, provision, guidance, friendship, and abundance.
2)Continually search for God's plan for your life. If He's given you a passion for something, however crazy it may be, that's a pretty good indicator as to what God wants to do through you. He's given you the gifts/talents that you have. Discover what they are. Use them to love God and love people. "For with God nothing will be impossible.” -Luke 1:37. I'll have you know, this is said quite a few times in the Bible. Believe it.
3) If you have done #1, there is absolutely no reason you can't accomplish your goals and dreams. God knows the desires of your heart. He's the one who put them there. If you dilligently seek Him, he will take care of you and bless you over and over again. He would not give you useless desires. You have them for a reason. "Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart." -Psalm 37:4. You take care of the Kingdom's work (delight yourself in the Lord), and He will pour out His blessings (give you the desires of your heart). God LOVES blessing His children. Trust me on this one.
4) GO LIVE YOUR LIFE. Don't let your circumstances stop you! Don't let your selfishness stop you! Have faith! Don't let anybody talk you out of God's plan. Sometimes even your family can't see what you and your Savior see. Don't let that stop you. "Even if my father and mother abandon me, the LORD will hold me close." -Psalm 27:10. He's always there for you. He is all the support you need. Are you getting this?
"We can make our own plans, but the LORD gives the right answer." -Prov. 16:1
---(These are the plans that we make apart from Him.)
"Commit your actions to the LORD, and your plans will succeed." -Psalm 16:3
---(If your actions are committed to the LORD, you most likely have the right plan, anyway. Or you're at least headed in the right direction.)
Just to be is a blessing. Just to live is holy. -Abraham Joshua Heschel
---(Embrace it!!)
Life is like a coin. You can spend it any way you wish, but you only spend it once. -Lillian Dickson
---(Make the most of it!!)
"All your dreams can come true if you have the courage to pursue them." -Walt Disney.
---(It all started with a mouse!)
Be where you are; otherwise you will miss your life. -Buddha
---(There is adventure everywhere you are. Find it.)
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Monday, January 31, 2011
Written During Geography Class (haha)
When you lay in bed at night, do you think of me? Do you dream of far away fantasy places, or of coffee and a warm toasty chair? Do you like the grit of a job well done, and the beaming glow from inside that comes with it? Do you relish in felt-tipped, black-ink pens and rustic, used & abused journals? Who do you pour your thoughts out to? Does your heart flow freely or does it require coaxing? How often do you get lost in a great book? Do you read about people, places, or things? Do you model yourself after your favorite character & embrace the very essence of their (fictional) soul? I lack the key to your heart and thoughts. I want to know you more. I want to be your muse.
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Comfort for Insecurities :)
"Has anyone by fussing in front of the mirror ever gotten taller by so much as an inch? All this time and money wasted on fashion--do you think it makes that much difference? Instead of looking at the fashions, walk out into the fields and look at the wildflowers. They never primp or shop, but have you ever seen color and design quite like it? The ten best-dressed men and women in the country look shabby alongside them.
"If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers--most of which are never even seen--don't you think he'll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? What I'm trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God's giving. People who don't know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don't worry about missing out. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met.
"Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes."
-Matthew 6:25-34
"If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers--most of which are never even seen--don't you think he'll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? What I'm trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God's giving. People who don't know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don't worry about missing out. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met.
"Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes."
-Matthew 6:25-34
Monday, November 15, 2010
I Tag You All. Mwuhahaha.
Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 30 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you.
1) I have a pet fish named Tina. Tina is a pink fish. Tina is a boy fish.
2) I laugh really loudly... It's kind of embarrassing.
3) I love Perrier.
4) I make YouTube videos. It's my favorite hobby.
5) I get really weird and giggly.
6) The goal of my life is to live it to the fullest. I want to accomplish every task given to me and go on many adventures.
7) They call me a world-traveler.
8) I broke my collar bone once. The story? I was spinning in circles in the driveway, which caused me to fall, which caused me to BREAK MY COLLAR BONE.
9) I'm happiest when I'm at the beach/ocean. It's literally my favorite.
10) I like code names. They allow you to talk freely :)
11) I'm a stellar speller.
12) I eat too many cookies.
13) I love star-gazing.
14) Fall is my favorite season, but snow makes me super happy!
15) I love Christmas music. I listen to it way before it's time for it. :)
16) Big fluffy blankets are so fun to snuggle in!! I love blankets.
17) I'm obsessed with Amish people. They make me so happy. I met this Amish guy once and as I was leaving, I had a strong urge to say, "I love you." He was an old man, mind you. Not some stud muffin!
18) I love baking. My specialty is brownies. :)
19) I also love cooking!
20) I'm going to be an elementary school teacher someday. Just call me Teach!
21) I want my new nickname to be Jaylor. Can that happen? Please?
22) I love summer smells like coconut, fruit, tanning lotion, sunscreen, salty air, sweat.
23) I have a Twitter, but I don't fully understand the point of it.
24) I'm full of stories. They're waiting to be unleashed on eager ears!
25) I really love reading the backs of bottles. You know, like shampoo bottles and stuff.
26) I gave a hair-tie to an orphan in Malawi. I wonder if she still has it?
27) I love movie beds. They look SO COMFY. Why can't my bed look that soft, fluffy, and cuddly?
28) I'm a high school graduate. (I know this one's obvious, but I just like saying it!)
29) I love Say Yes to the Dress and House Hunters. You can guess a lot about me just from knowing those facts.
30) I try to read my Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth as often as I can. It has so much power, so much more than many people realize.
1) I have a pet fish named Tina. Tina is a pink fish. Tina is a boy fish.
2) I laugh really loudly... It's kind of embarrassing.
3) I love Perrier.
4) I make YouTube videos. It's my favorite hobby.
5) I get really weird and giggly.
6) The goal of my life is to live it to the fullest. I want to accomplish every task given to me and go on many adventures.
7) They call me a world-traveler.
8) I broke my collar bone once. The story? I was spinning in circles in the driveway, which caused me to fall, which caused me to BREAK MY COLLAR BONE.
9) I'm happiest when I'm at the beach/ocean. It's literally my favorite.
10) I like code names. They allow you to talk freely :)
11) I'm a stellar speller.
12) I eat too many cookies.
13) I love star-gazing.
14) Fall is my favorite season, but snow makes me super happy!
15) I love Christmas music. I listen to it way before it's time for it. :)
16) Big fluffy blankets are so fun to snuggle in!! I love blankets.
17) I'm obsessed with Amish people. They make me so happy. I met this Amish guy once and as I was leaving, I had a strong urge to say, "I love you." He was an old man, mind you. Not some stud muffin!
18) I love baking. My specialty is brownies. :)
19) I also love cooking!
20) I'm going to be an elementary school teacher someday. Just call me Teach!
21) I want my new nickname to be Jaylor. Can that happen? Please?
22) I love summer smells like coconut, fruit, tanning lotion, sunscreen, salty air, sweat.
23) I have a Twitter, but I don't fully understand the point of it.
24) I'm full of stories. They're waiting to be unleashed on eager ears!
25) I really love reading the backs of bottles. You know, like shampoo bottles and stuff.
26) I gave a hair-tie to an orphan in Malawi. I wonder if she still has it?
27) I love movie beds. They look SO COMFY. Why can't my bed look that soft, fluffy, and cuddly?
28) I'm a high school graduate. (I know this one's obvious, but I just like saying it!)
29) I love Say Yes to the Dress and House Hunters. You can guess a lot about me just from knowing those facts.
30) I try to read my Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth as often as I can. It has so much power, so much more than many people realize.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Today was Wonderful
What's one of the best ways to start your day? With an extra hour of sleep. Oh, time change, how I love you! It was so nice to just snuggle up in the covers and have a relaxed time of waking up. So opposite from the harshness of my alarm clock that I usually wake up to. That got me off on the right foot, for sure. After waking up, I ate a bowl of cereal then baked a Mississippi Mud Cake for my brother's and sister's birthdays. I love baking. Some might find it stressful, but I actually find it really relaxing. It takes my mind off of everything else because I have to focus all of my attention on what I'm doing. If I were to think about anything else, I'd surely skip a step or put too much of something in. Anyway, baking is nice.
After the cake was done, I had to get on with preparing lunch for my family while they were at church. It took a load off my mom and went really smoothly! I put a ham in the oven, took a shower, then finished up lunch by glazing the ham, making scalloped potatoes, and heating up some broccoli. The family came home from church at just the right time and we all ate up! It was really good and really rewarding for me to have prepared that whole meal by myself.
After lunch, we decided to go out to a bridge/lake beach that we love, since the weather was so nice. We had a really good time taking videos and pictures. I love my niece and nephews. They are so cool. I genuinely admire them for their uniqueness. What other kids like the things they like and play together so well? They are truly country kids, which seems funny to me because I never would've expected them to be, but we're all country folk now, and I think it's awesome. Those kids are one with the earth. They love nature and all the creatures that crawl around in it. They ask brilliant questions, and they're just so, so beautiful. I don't want them to grow up, but at the same time I do, cause they'll be great adults. This world needs people like them. They will make this planet a better place to live.
After we got home, I packed up my stuff and headed back to college. My emotional state could be called a wreck at this stage of my life. I don't know what I want, but there are certain things I want so bad that I would do almost anything to have them. I feel disconnected from my family, but also closer with them. What's that saying? Distance makes the heart grow fonder? I'm so unsure of my life right now. I want everything. I want to experience all that life has to offer. My adventurous spirit doesn't like to be contained. Being at college makes me feel stagnant. It also makes me feel accomplished and wise. I want this, but I want that. At some point, I suppose I'll learn a happy compromise. Freshman year is rocky. It's probably rocky for everyone, but I never like generalizing myself into the 'everyone' category. It has to be rocky for me in a different way than for everyone else.
I'm getting older every day. When I was younger, all I wanted was to be old enough. Old enough to drive, make my own decisions, live on my own, get married, have kids, stay up as late as I wanted. Now that I'm at that proper age (well... for the most part), I'm not so sure that's what I want anymore. I miss the innocence of childhood. I miss being with my mommy and daddy all the time. I miss how excited I used to get for Christmas. I still get excited for Christmas, but it's not anywhere close to how I used to be. It just feels like every other day the older I get. I have responsibilities now. I have to be smart with my money and time. I have to care for my own well-being. I have to deal with gaining weight and not having the skinny figure I used to have. Eating is one of the funnest things I do, but I can't eat whatever I want anymore. I used to worry about math equations like 4x6. Now I worry about the rest of my life. The rest of my life used to be something way off in the distance, but it just keeps getting closer and closer.
This may all sound negative, and parts of it are, but really, who doesn't experience all of these feelings? Everyone may not put them into a blog like I'm doing, but like I said, I'm not 'everyone'. Wow, I really went off on a tangent there, didn't I? Anyway, the point of this is to say that today was really, really great and I couldn't have asked for much more. It got me thinking about life. It made me realize the truth in the statement, "We should appreciate the simple things." Life is a contradiction. It's messy, it's sad, it's complicated, and it's awful. But it's also amazingly planned out, happy, simple, and wonderful. You just have to focus on the best things. Like the cake you're baking.
After the cake was done, I had to get on with preparing lunch for my family while they were at church. It took a load off my mom and went really smoothly! I put a ham in the oven, took a shower, then finished up lunch by glazing the ham, making scalloped potatoes, and heating up some broccoli. The family came home from church at just the right time and we all ate up! It was really good and really rewarding for me to have prepared that whole meal by myself.
After lunch, we decided to go out to a bridge/lake beach that we love, since the weather was so nice. We had a really good time taking videos and pictures. I love my niece and nephews. They are so cool. I genuinely admire them for their uniqueness. What other kids like the things they like and play together so well? They are truly country kids, which seems funny to me because I never would've expected them to be, but we're all country folk now, and I think it's awesome. Those kids are one with the earth. They love nature and all the creatures that crawl around in it. They ask brilliant questions, and they're just so, so beautiful. I don't want them to grow up, but at the same time I do, cause they'll be great adults. This world needs people like them. They will make this planet a better place to live.
After we got home, I packed up my stuff and headed back to college. My emotional state could be called a wreck at this stage of my life. I don't know what I want, but there are certain things I want so bad that I would do almost anything to have them. I feel disconnected from my family, but also closer with them. What's that saying? Distance makes the heart grow fonder? I'm so unsure of my life right now. I want everything. I want to experience all that life has to offer. My adventurous spirit doesn't like to be contained. Being at college makes me feel stagnant. It also makes me feel accomplished and wise. I want this, but I want that. At some point, I suppose I'll learn a happy compromise. Freshman year is rocky. It's probably rocky for everyone, but I never like generalizing myself into the 'everyone' category. It has to be rocky for me in a different way than for everyone else.
I'm getting older every day. When I was younger, all I wanted was to be old enough. Old enough to drive, make my own decisions, live on my own, get married, have kids, stay up as late as I wanted. Now that I'm at that proper age (well... for the most part), I'm not so sure that's what I want anymore. I miss the innocence of childhood. I miss being with my mommy and daddy all the time. I miss how excited I used to get for Christmas. I still get excited for Christmas, but it's not anywhere close to how I used to be. It just feels like every other day the older I get. I have responsibilities now. I have to be smart with my money and time. I have to care for my own well-being. I have to deal with gaining weight and not having the skinny figure I used to have. Eating is one of the funnest things I do, but I can't eat whatever I want anymore. I used to worry about math equations like 4x6. Now I worry about the rest of my life. The rest of my life used to be something way off in the distance, but it just keeps getting closer and closer.
This may all sound negative, and parts of it are, but really, who doesn't experience all of these feelings? Everyone may not put them into a blog like I'm doing, but like I said, I'm not 'everyone'. Wow, I really went off on a tangent there, didn't I? Anyway, the point of this is to say that today was really, really great and I couldn't have asked for much more. It got me thinking about life. It made me realize the truth in the statement, "We should appreciate the simple things." Life is a contradiction. It's messy, it's sad, it's complicated, and it's awful. But it's also amazingly planned out, happy, simple, and wonderful. You just have to focus on the best things. Like the cake you're baking.
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